…and other things you should never say.

Full disclosure: I have said pretty much all of these things.

1. “But, you’re so young…” Shit happens. At any age. Don’t make someone feel crappy for having to deal with something terrible when they’re young. A dying parent, a chronic illness. This remark provides zero consolation and is a relative term that only proves you yourself have probably not had to deal with anything serious in your lifetime. Mazel tov. Keep it to yourself.

2. “The only thing that matters is that you and the baby are healthy.” Do NOT say this to a woman who has had an unplanned cesarean birth. It will make her feel like shit. It is not the only thing that matters. It is the most important thing, sure. But, do not diminish her (very valid) feelings by saying they aren’t relevant. It is possible to feel elated and heartbroken all at once. Let her know it’s okay to be sad. It’s normal to be upset when your birth plan does not go according to plan. Especially when your birth plan does not include being so high on special K that you do not even remember the moment your child came out of your body.

3. “You do not look (insert age here).” This is not a compliment. It is another way of saying, “you’re old but you don’t look too bad.” It’s shitty. Don’t say it. Not to a 30-year-old not to a 60-year-old. Just don’t. This goes for, “You look great for your age,” too.

4. “That must have been really hard.” If you are saying this, the answer is probably, “Yes, it was unbelievably, fucking hard.” Don’t tell people how they are feeling. Don’t project your judgment on their lives. Listen. If they’re struggling to name their emotions feel free to offer an adjective. Otherwise, just listen. Repeat their feelings back to them.

5. Don’t ask a million questions when someone doesn’t fit your model of “normal.” It’s offensive. It makes people feel like a freak in your personal freak show. Gender identity, sexual preferences, lifestyle choices…it’s just peoples lives. That’s all. It doesn’t feel weird for them. They exist in the world much in the same way you do (alone, misunderstood, taken for granted). Their choices, their childhoods, their preferences, theirs. Unless they’ve opened themselves up to the conversation, it’s off-limits. If you need drama, watch reality television. I can’t tell you how many nights I have spent providing the freak-cult-girl entertainment at parties. It’s exhausting.

6. This is not about saying the wrong thing. It’s about saying nothing. When a person loses someone they love don’t ignore them. Don’t assume that bringing it up will only upset them. Mention their loved one by name, in fact. Say something as simple as, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Don’t pretend it isn’t happening. It’s the worst feeling in the world to be grieving for someone you love and to feel like no one around you has even noticed. Too often we worry about being insensitive or hurting someones feelings after a death. More often than not, it is the silence that is the most painful. I don’t know anyone who has lost a loved one and wanted silence. Parent, child, sibling, grandparent, friend. It’s terrible to be going through the world feeling empty and also feeling like everyone else is just the same, going about their business like your mom didn’t just die. It’s nice to know your pain and grief aren’t being ignored. It’s important to know that others miss them too. “I’m so sorry for your loss. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” I don’t care if you mean it or not. Just say it. And, in the off-chance that a grieving person is capable of asking for specific help, do it. You will never feel better about yourself. Bringing a new parent a meal is wonderful. Bringing a grieving person a meal is unforgettable. They will never forget that kindness.