I am a totally perfect human. Obviously. I mean, I have a blog, so…

No, but really. I try to be kind and generous (I don’t always succeed) and give people the benefit of the doubt (sometimes I forget). Since my mom died I have been much better at understanding that peoples’ lives are not always what they seem and that we’re all going through shit. At some point or another. Life is complicated and difficult.

Living with chronic pain for ten years without any obvious exterior signifiers has helped me to understand that pain and suffering are often under the surface. I’m just trying to say, there’s more than meets the eye. Beauty isn’t skin deep, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am trying to think of as many lame cliche phrases as I can.

Okay. Back to serious thoughts…

I am in the process of dealing with some really lame folks. Condescending, rude, disrespectful — there are many adjectives that could be written to describe them.

It makes my stomach turn. I can’t shake the feeling that I am being taken advantage of, that I’m being treated with a total lack of human decency. I don’t do well with these feelings. I’m quite sure this comes from having spent a good chunk of my childhood and adolescence believing that I didn’t deserve anything good. That nothing should be easy. That no one should be trusted.

I rebelled. Against believing that everyone was out to get me. I rebelled against believing with total certainty that people were inherently bad. It sets me up for some disappointments along the way but it also ensures that very little gets under my skin. If I believe that people are doing their best then I don’t have to take anything personally.

It’s pretty great, actually. You should totally try it.

So, these humans. They are not being good. They are not doing their best. We have given them ample opportunity to do what is right. We have been understanding and patient. We have given them the benefit of the doubt. Used cordial, even friendly, language in dealing with them. Nothing.

No offense to lawyers but I’m pretty sure he’s a lawyer because everything is black and white. There is no room for doing the right thing, there is only room for, ‘what are my legal obligations to you.’ And, I think that is totally shitty. That’s just my opinion.

We are talking about exchanging BABY items. You heard me. Babies. Those tiny humans that make life so wacky and so wonderful.

Can we not just be normal, civil neighbors? This is crazy. Cuh-razy. Like, I can’t even believe that we are having these conversations because you tried to sell us some junky junk and we were way too trusting (I’m noticing a trend here — perhaps we should rethink how we operate in the world a little bit.) And, so we are just trying to return this junk to you and instead of owning that you sold us crap you are instead using all this lawyer jargon, mumbo-jumbo, double-talk, “proprietary interest,” blah, blah, blah “product we tendered…mitigate your loss…I draw a distinction between…”

I draw a distinction between being an ass and being a good human.

So, I’m frustrated. I’m currently working with my daughter on articulating her feelings. Naming her emotions. So, I will express mine through words and hope that in some small way, it will mitigate my queasiness.

I’m frustrated. And disappointed. I’m shocked and I’m not easily shocked. This should have been a simple transaction. We’ve bought and sold a million things on this list serve. We’ve never encountered someone or something so sketchy. I’m bummed. I’m really, really bummed. We’re out $350 and more than that, we’re left feeling helpless.

And then I think, where do I live? What is this strange world that I am a part of? Where do I fit into this world? And then I feel like an outsider again. Because I don’t want to believe that people are awful. I want to believe that people are mostly good. And that, if you give them a chance, they will show you their goodness.

I’m not some naive commune kid. Well, I am a commune kid. And, I can be a little bit naive. BUT, I do know there are awful people out there. I know there are unspeakable acts of cruelty and violence. I know there are unexplainable tragedies and unimaginable losses.

This is not one of those. And, these are not evil people. They’re just assholes. And, this is not some great loss on our part. It’s more money than I’d like to lose learning a life lesson but ultimately, it’s just money. The bigger loss for us is trust. New York can be a real bastard. Beating you down and then continually kicking you once you’re on the ground. We’ve had some pretty traumatic life lessons here. Again, this is not one of those. I have my priorities straight and my perspective intact.

But, that’s not to say that this isn’t a really annoying thing happening. Despite the bigger things in life and in the world. Despite the (ultimate) smallness of this experience. Despite all of this, I am still frustrated. Ya hear me? I’m frustrated!

And, this concludes my rant.