Posts Tagged ‘change’

processing

It’s amazing to me how much bitching is required in order to process crap situations or encounters. Conversation after conversation retelling the same slight, emphasizing your side in the way only you can, which is to say: without any understanding of the other persons (possibly totally legitimate) perspective. In my head, I am like, so evolved–a skillful communicator, problem-solver, capable of being unemotional, objective and compassionate all at once. But, really, I’m mostly just wading in a pool of toxic emotions–a place where envy and self-doubt reign supreme–where judgments, misunderstandings, inconsistencies and pure acrimony live amongst dread and apathy. This is an image of myself that just doesn’t fit with the one I have in my head. It’s discouraging to upset the portrait of this joyful, optimistic, driven and contented person. The thing that is even more difficult to grasp is the fact that in reality, I am both. Perhaps not all at once. But, certainly I am one thing in one moment and another under contrasting circumstances.

Upon playfully teasing my hubby about his snoring it came out that the reason he gets so defensive when I report the behavior is because being “someone who snores” just doesn’t fit with his own self-image. I laughed at first but then it made complete sense to me. There are all of these things–the way we look, the way we respond to situations, where we work, what we wear, how we speak–that define the version of ourselves we have in our heads. When someone on the outside challenges one of those things–however small the detail may seem to them–it completely breaks down that self-image. “But, I’m quirky, eccentric, unpredictable! It’s a good thing, right? Right?” I found myself saying during an argument where my husband scolded me for something or other I had said–something that seemed lighthearted and funny and joke-y and me. There are things about myself that I believe. I believe them wholeheartedly and any attempt to undermine the me-ness of me is an attack on who I am at my core. In my head these things are unchangeable and factual and permanent. But, they’re not. We grow, we change–slowly sometimes, more quickly other times–sometimes without even realizing it. Our “higher selves” exist as an idea, a goal–as someone who would have, should have, could have said something more intelligent, less reactionary, more eloquent.

I’d really like to meet this idealized version of me. The version of me who always knows the right thing to say, who always looks put-together, who is kind but strong, intelligent and funny, self-assured and self-aware. This is the version I could use right now. Because if life is a mountain–with highs and lows and everything in between–then I am in the river basin looking up, paddling against the current in a starless sky. And, she’d sure as shit know what to do.

poor choices and the friends with whom you make them // present

Age and experience certainly change your perspective on yourself and on the world. But, mistakes continue to be made well into adulthood. I can’t imagine that I’ll ever stop making them. The good thing is that those big, scary mistakes are all behind me (I hope) and the little ones are really not such a big deal. I can recover from an ill-informed decision every now and again. A silly purchase, a non-refundable fee, a bad movie, a terrible meal, a baking project gone terribly wrong, a pair of shoes I swear fit perfectly in the store. These are bummers in the moment but not life-altering moments in time. Not the kind of decisions you look back on and think, That was a crossroad. And, I chose to go one way instead of the other.

A size-too-small pair of heels will not make or break me.

My language around choice has shifted. My comprehension of consequence has comfortably settled into a spacious, well-lit corner of my mind. My actions have equal and opposite reactions. I realize this. I live with this knowledge. I find myself making a decision and thinking, yes, I am comfortable with the possible outcomes. They are not all great but, I can live with any one of them.

I just read this Op-Ed by David Brooks about making life-altering choices and he had this to say, “When faced with a transformational choice the weakest question may be, What do I desire? Our desires change all the time. The strongest question may be: Which path will make me a better person?”

I am not someone who shies away from change. I’m not afraid of my life being different from what it is now, I’m not afraid of switching up my daily routine. It doesn’t fill me with fear to consider changing jobs. I’m not afraid to move, or make new friends. I don’t love moving but I’m never sad to do it. I don’t mourn places, I don’t mourn stuff. I’m really good at getting rid of clutter and not getting overly attached to tangible objects. I don’t tend to be overly nostalgic or sensitive. I have been known to be a bit of an, “out of sight, out of mind” kind of a gal. I don’t list these qualities as positive or negative attributes. They are just an honest assessment of who I am in this world.

My husband and I are both from California. Most of our family is out there. Quite a few of our friends are there too. We love the weather and the geographical diversity California has to offer. We miss the produce and the access to nature. We miss a lot of things. But, we also love New York. We love the easy access to amenities, the incredible public transportation, the food, the architecture, the anonymity, the never-ending list of things to see and do and hear and eat.

But, since having the baby…you know where this is going…it’s been very difficult to justify this lifestyle. We aren’t going out every weekend, or taking advantage of all that this great city has to offer. We hardly ever eat out, we never go to bars, we might go to a museum once every few months when there’s an exhibit we can’t miss. We work all the time, our rent is outrageous and we have no outdoor space, which feels really crummy for someone who loved being outdoors as a kid.

We’ve always talked about going back to California. It’s always been a conversation but it wasn’t a serious one until I got pregnant. Let’s see how it goes, we decided when we found out I was pregnant. We’ll see if we can’t make New York work for us with a baby, we’d agreed. Well, we’re two years into the experiment and it is both an incredible place for child-rearing and a horrendously, awful one. On the one hand, you have access to incredible stuff, a lot of which is free or cheap. On the other hand, childcare is SO expensive and schlepping your kid and a stroller and the bazillion things you need as a parent, is exhausting, to say the least.

So, this leads me to the question of what to do. Do we stay? Do we go? And, it brings me back to this Brooks article and the query of what will make me a better person. What will make my daughter a better person? Diversity and culture, access and education? Or, family, nature, clean air, and a slower pace of living? I honestly don’t know the answer but it plagues me daily. Am I a better mother with familial support, a house and a backyard to run around in? Or, am I a more contented person living in a city where I can have a fulfilling career and lead a life brimming with excitement?

It’s a crossroads, for sure. And, whatever decision we make, I hope to not look back on it with any regret. We will bide our time and determine what is right for our family, with the knowledge, also, that nothing is permanent. A step in one direction does not have to determine the rest of our lives. And, mistakes are inevitable. Desires change, realities shift. For now, we live in Brooklyn and are pretty darn happy in our day-to-day lives. Although, I must admit, that California sun will be looking pretty enticing once winter rears its ugly head.